Colorado Trip Take 2

Wow, well it's been a while since I have posted as usual, but for good reason!
Last week Geoff and I headed to Colorado Springs (after being delayed due to a blizzard...in APRIL) with the help of some of our awesome friends who gave us rides, watched the girls, and allowed us to stay with them. The goal was for us to purchase our first home during the time we were there.

We looked at a total of around 14-15 houses within the first two days.  We had quite a few favorites on the first day, one of which we knew would be our first choice.  As we were putting in an offer on that house on Tuesday evening, we found out that the HOA is super strict, not allowing anything to be done in the backyard without permission (which the answer will always be no) because it backs up to a golf course.  We couldn't even have a real fence, only a 3 foot tall rail fence with nothing attached to it to keep kids and dogs in our yard.

The 2nd day we felt very defeated as we liked a few other houses, but we really loved that one, so we agreed to look at a few more houses.  We went over the details and we saw one house that stood out because it met all of our qualifications, including a walk out basement for my home studio...all within our normal price range, nowhere near our max of what we would have paid for the first choice house.
Of the 4 houses we looked at on Wednesday we had it down to two houses that we both loved.  We finally decided after about 3 hours of back and fourth on the first house we saw that day because overall, it had more things we loved about the neighborhood, school, area, and was in general cheaper.

We put in an offer that evening and heard back late that night with their counter offer, which we then accepted per advice of our agent.  Apparently when we where in Colorado in October, it was a total buyers market, but as of January this year, it is now a seller's market and she was surprised they were willing to come down at all on their offer. Also, we haven't had the official appraisal done yet, but the estimated market value of the house is at least $10k more than what they are asking, so most likely, we got a pretty good deal.

Thursday was filled with lots and lots of paperwork, and since then, we have new emails full of paperwork to be read and signed everyday.  Overall, the trip, even though super stressful, was an over all success.  We ended up getting a house that was exactly what we wanted (or pretty dang close) for the price we were hoping for.

Here is a little bit about the house:
6 bedroom (4 upstairs, 2 in basement), 3.5 bathrooms, approx 3,000 SF.
Gorgeous mountain views from the upper back deck, eat in nook, and kitchen window.  The house is set on a hill as a walk out lot, so we can also see a good portion of "city view".  The yard is sloped and sectioned into 3 levels, with a few semi-mature trees, perfect for backyard exploring.  Not a huge backyard, but probably at least 3-4 times the size we have right now.  Originally we were hoping for a little more land, but it turns out, you have to be quite a bit out of the city for that, and it was way out of our price range for our first home.  We will be doing different things with each area of the yard, including, a big patio with a built in firepit, a small garden, a large area of grass for the kids to play, and then fruit trees lining the back fence.
The walk out basement is full of amazing natural light, even on super cloudy days, so I am so happy I get to continue with natural light (I was looking into switching to as natural as possible studio lighting when I thought a walkout basement was out of our price range).  My studio will have a shooting area, prop closet, office, and a small play area for kids.  Eventually we will put some sort of wet bar so I can have a fridge, sink, microwave, etc. The house is fairly new, only about 10 years old, but when they built the house, they didn't really do any upgrades, so everything is your standard builder grade, so we are looking at upgrading some things slowly such as the kitchen, some of the flooring, and the bathrooms.  We also need to do some major painting as every single wall in that house is WHITE.  I am not okay with that :)

I took quite a few photos for our own planning purposes, but I am only sharing a few, as they owners still reside in the home, so their stuff is everywhere still.  I promise we will be posting lots of photos as soon as we move in, which will be June 5th!  Please say a prayer that everything continues as planned!

Family room (again, not our crap)

Standing in living room/dining room looking towards family room and kitchen

Kitchen.  None of the appliances match (and they are taking the fridge) so we will be replacing them eventually, as well as redoing the floor and re-staining the cabinets)

Standing in family room area looking towards living room and dining room

5 piece master bath and a huge walk in closet in Master

Love our front porch.  We will be adding some railing around it eventually. 

Outside of the house (It looked really small when I posted a iPhone pic on FB, and for some reason it still does here too.  It's like a magic house that is small on the outside, but when you walk in you wonder if you went through a portal, LOL)

Back upper deck.  You can not see them at ALL, but normally that entire view is mountains.  You can also see a small portion of the yard.

Family Update

Right now our family has so many things up in the air.  We totally feel like we are "in between" so many different things right now.  Our move to Colorado is getting closer with about 3 months until the packers come to pack our household goods.  We have finally started to feel more excited about moving, and more okay with leaving Minot.  We have always loved living in Minot, and no one has ever heard us complain, unless it was wishing for more snow :).  But lately, so many negative things have been happening, that we feel ready to just move on and start our next chapter.  We are probably the most excited about buying our first house in the next month or so...something we have been wanting to do for the last 10 years, but are now finally in a place where we can and not be stressed, as we are now 100% debt free! We can't wait until we finally have our own home and can make it ours. I am sure we will post a big announcement when we have everything finalized.


Update on Abby:

We just had the girls parent-teacher conferences and of course Abby did amazing.  Her teacher refers to her as "the perfect student".  She is reading over 2 grade levels ahead of where she needs to be and all of her other subjects are scoring well above average as well.  She has been going to a "gifted and talented" program for the last two years which she LOVES.  Right now her favorite subject is still science (mostly biology).  She has no idea what she wants to be when she grows up.   Most of the time she says she wants to be some sort of animal doctor or maybe a zoo keeper.
As far as her health, it is remaining about the same.  She still continues to sleep walk 2-7 nights a week (started as a toddler when she moved out of her crib).  Her night terrors had completely gone away a couple of years ago, but have started to come back in the last few weeks. The sleep walking still remains, even after a 6 month time frame of it only happening once or twice...it started back up pretty often about a year ago.  Her migraines are completely under control with her medication, down to 1-2 headaches a year.  We did find out she might possibly have some sort of asthma or other bronchial issue as we found out she is having a harder time running and breathing at the same time.  If she does, it's very mild and we are trying out an albuterol inhaler for a few weeks to see if that makes a difference.

Update on Jordy:

Jordy's conference went great as well.  She is right around where she should be, and even excelling in a few areas.  I think right now, her biggest struggle is reading (as it is for most kindergarteners) and we definitely need to work on it more with her.  We read to her every single night, but I know we need to push her to sound out and read words more often.  Last weekend we went on our trip to Grand Forks, ND to meet with a Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon.  We found out that she does NOT have Perthes Disease, but she does have some sort of genetic disorder with her hips and possibly other places in her body. Usually these cases are presented with short stature, which would explain why she is so small.  We really didn't get much information at all because he said we need to go to a genetic doctor to find out exactly what it is.  She needs full body scans as well as genetic testing to find out which marker is showing up abnormal to know what we are dealing with her.  Honestly, we didn't care for this doctor at all.  He barely even looked at Jordyn.  In fact, he thought she was a boy, after coming into the room (I get that she has a gender neutral name, but she is wearing pigtails and earrings, and he didn't even look at her).  Honestly, how hard is it to glance next to you and see what your patient looks like?  We do appreciate his knowledge and that because he is a specialist, he could tell right away looking at her hip x-ray that it was not Perthes (apparently, they look very similar, so our pediatrician still did a good job catching that something wasn't right!)  This explains why she hasn't really had much pain as this condition usually isn't accompanied by pain.  He suggested waiting until after we move to Colorado and have access to one of the best hospitals in the US (Denver children's hospital) to see a genetic specialist and find out more information.  Either way, it sounds like nothing really will be done, it's basically just so we know what her condition is.  He said most cases, once you hit your 40s, probably need a hip replacement.  So as of right now, we are pretty much back to square one as far as what Jordyn has, but it's nice to know she will probably not need any sort of surgery or treatment during childhood.



Update on Geoff:

I think Geoff is probably more anxious to move than any of us.  He has been working much longer hours with a much higher workload the past couple of months and he is getting burned out on always having extra work thrown at him non stop. We just keep repeating "3 more months".   He is testing for his next rank in a couple of weeks, and we think he has a really good chance of making it this year. He has worked very hard to get where he is and I know he is excited to see what changes come with his AF career as he moves up in rank.  Ultimately, his goal is to make Chief by 20 years.  He is excited to be going back to his intell career and starting a new job in a new place.  Right now he is taking a semester off of school so he has more time to study for his test.  His hearing aid is still not working for him and at this point probably never will.  We will probably have his metal stump removed and test out a brand new device that is pretty much his last hope of him ever being able to hear from his right ear.  He doesn't really have much free time lately between his longer work hours and studying for his test, but hopefully that will be changing soon.  He is very excited to buy our first home and all of the stuff that goes a long with owning a home (so many project ideas).  With his new job in Colorado we are hoping to have more time to travel and do fun little weekend trips since there is so many more things to see and do close by.

Update on Me:

Well, after 6 weeks of weekly blood draws, my blood levels are finally back to pre-pregnancy and we are now waiting on blood work to tell us if I have any sort of blood disorder.  11 tubes...11 tubes of blood they took this week for these tests!  Part of me hopes they find something, because then, I will have an answer.  A reason why we lost him.  Right now I am mad at my body.  I am mad that my body formed a blood clot and made us lose our perfect little baby.  I know I had no control over the situation, and I did nothing wrong...but  we lost him because my body did something wrong.  He was strong enough. He held on until the very end.  He would still be safe and sound, growing stronger inside me right now. This is the longest it has ever taken my body to heal from a miscarriage, which is to be expected because I was much further along, but I just want it to be done and to feel back to "normal".
Right now....I am just tired.  Flat out tired.  Emotionally and physically.  I feel like I have just been going from one doctor appointment to the next between the four of us.  I am the one factor that never changes in each situation, and even though I wouldn't have it any other way....it's exhausting.  I am blessed to be able to be there for every appointment, every phone consultation, and every "Mommy, my legs hurt more today."  Of course I would rather us not have to go through all of these trials, but I am thankful that we get to be together as a family, and that we are where we are supposed to be.  I am thankful for the doctors and the knowledge they have.  I am thankful for the Air Force and the medical coverage they give us so we never have to pay anything out of pocket.  I am thankful for the family and friends who love us, pray for us, and support us.

Perthes Disease

I feel like all I have done lately is blog about not so awesome things going on around here.  I kind of hate that...but it will be continuing with this post.  I try to blog important stuff so family and friends can stay up to date to what is going on with our family. Usually it is all wonderful things, but lately, not so much.  Most of you know I am 100% not a phone talker (plus I love you all, but I just simply do not have the time to call all of you), so blogging helps everyone know what is going on.


Yesterday, Jordyn was diagnosed with Perthes Disease (click for more info).  In summary it is a condition in her hip joint that will need to be treated so it does not worsen.

For the last month or so, Jordyn has been complaining a little here and there about some stomach pain.  We didn't think much of it, but I kept an eye on her and paid attention to how often she said something.  She would say her stomach hurts (usually in a happy tone) but then run off and continue on with her happy, carefree ways of Jordyn.  She started to say it more and more so I started to think something might really be wrong.  Of course, I asked her if she needed to go potty, or felt like she was going to puke.  Both answers were always no, and she was going #2 normally still.  The strange thing a lot of you know about Jordyn (one of many strange things actually) is that she has a super high pain tolerance and she never gets sick.  So when she complains of something more than a couple of times, it probably really is bothering her.

So I made an appointment with the pediatrician on base.  We have been seeing Dr. Padial.  If you are stationed at Minot and you do not take your kids to him, I highly recommend him.  I don't take my kids in for random colds and stuff like that, and it is usually something pretty serious when I do take them in, and he understands that.  He is always very patient and seriously listens to what I have to say.  He right away thought she might be constipated (it can still happen even if you are still going regularly).  He said we are going to try and give her extra fluids and if its still bothering her in a week or so, we will do an X-ray.  Well...of course it wasn't really bothering her (it never really was) but she had still said a thing or two about it.  So he said we are going to just do one and check so we can know for sure.  Well we did the x-ray of her tummy and were shocked to find out she was COMPLETELY backed up.  Like her entire digestive tract was FULL.  He was honestly shocked she was not in serious pain all day long.  So he prescribed her some Mirelax and said she would need to be on it a while to give her bowels a chance to heal and empty when they are supposed to.  (This was on Monday of this week)

Fast forward to yesterday (Wednesday).  I was sitting at the allergy clinic with Geoff during his lunch break.  He gets shots twice a week.  When you get allergy shots you have to wait 30 minutes after your shot before you can leave to make sure you do not have any sort of severe allergic reaction...so I go and with with him so we can spend time together.  While we were there I get a call from Jordyn's doctor (the peds clinic and allergy clinic are next to each other and share a waiting area).  He tells me that he was so shocked by the severity of her being backed up (and her not being in pain) that he didn't really look super close at the x-ray and was just seeing all the poop....and when he went back to look better at it he noticed something else wasn't right.  At the VERY bottom of her x-ray, you can see the very top of where her hip connects to her femur and he suspected perthes disease. Of course neither Geoff nor I had ever heard of this so he tried to explain it to us.  I got off the phone with him and told Geoff and we decided we should just see if he could come out and talk to us.  He brought us out a hand out with info about perthes and said she needed to get another full x-ray, but of her full hips as soon as possible.  As soon as she got out of school I took her to radiology and had her x-rays done.  After, the girls and I waited around until he could look at them and let us know the results.  About a half hour later, he confirmed that it was in fact perthes disease in BOTH of her hips.

This came as such a huge shock to us as she hasn't every complained about her hips hurting, like at all.  But the space between that shows perthes, is pretty big so it seems like its advanced enough that it should be bothering her.  I asked her if she has any pain in that area and showed her exactly where, and she said, she does.  She said it hurts pretty much all of the time.  She just never told us.  I am not really sure how much it hurts, or if it even hurts her at all.  She said she doesn't know why she never told us, and we tried to set up a time line to figure out when it started hurting...and from what she pointed out, it may have been around Thanksgiving, but who knows.  Jordyn has NO sense of time at all, and even when we do explain it to her, she still just changes the time frame to whatever works in her favor.  If she asks how long til her birthday and we tell her about 4 months, she says "you mean 4 days, right?"  We say no, 4 months, which is over 100 days.  And then the next day she says, yay its only 3 days til my birthday now! So we really do not know how long this has been doing on.  We feel horrible that we didn't know and that for some reason she didn't feel like she should tell us.  We always tell them they need to tell us everything, especially if something is hurting for a while.    Honestly, we may have not found out about this for a long time, until she was in severe pain if it were not for Dr. Padial randomly finding this.  We are so thankful that he took the time to go back and look for something he didn't even need to be looking at.

Jordyn very excited to have her mattress on the floor.

(and no, Jordyn does not wear glasses, these are fake ones but she wears them all of the time)

Right now the girls have loft beds (which I never wanted by the way, I was talked into them).  We were going to be selling them when we moved, but decided to try to sell them a little earlier now with the news.  We didn't like the idea of her climbing up and down the ladder anymore.

We found out that this condition is very rare for girls as it is 4-5x more likely in boys.  She is in the normal age range for diagnosis, and if diagnosed before 6 years old, the outcome is usually awesome and with a full recovery.  We have a referral for a pediatric orthopedic in Grand Forks.  We are hoping to find out every last detail, from when this probably started, to how severe it is, to what the next steps are.  From what we have read it can be as mild as bed rest and physical therapy, to as severe as surgery and months of braces and casts.  We honestly do not know what to expect at this point.  I will be sure to update when we find out more info, but for now we are taking precautions and are remaining more aware of what she is feeling.

Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since we lost our sweet baby boy (yes, you read that right....we were having a boy!  It IS possible for us McDonald women to conceive boys!).  Right now, we are taking things one day at a time.  It's still hard to believe he is gone.  Some days, I still wake up thinking it was all just a horrible dream.    Today I would be 15 weeks and getting ready for our big ultrasound.

13 weeks.  It may not sound like very long to most people, but to me it felt like much longer. Apparently by your 6th pregnancy, you start to feel things much earlier.  In 13 weeks I heard my baby's heartbeat, almost everyday.  I felt little tiny kicks.  I felt the misery of morning sickness, all day.  I had food cravings, and food aversions.  I saw our perfect little baby on an ultrasound, moving, kicking,  and almost fully formed, just needing to grow.  I had so many ups and downs during those 13 weeks.  Every symptom giving me hope. And then something would make me take a step back and know we are never in the clear. In 13 weeks I had hope that I might actually get to hold this baby come July.  But still, knowing all of the things that can go wrong, I knew the chances of probably not bringing this baby home with us someday.  I will probably never know what God's plan was for him.  But it's there and it's bigger than I can even imagine.  God gives and God takes away.  But even knowing all of that, does not make me miss our baby any less. It doesn't make the idea of trying for another baby scary as crap. I would give anything to have an innocent view on pregnancy.  To fall pregnant and to instantly think everything is going to be okay and I WILL have this baby.  I envy those who have that.  That is long gone. That disappeared almost 10 years ago with our first loss.


I have not been very public about it, but for those wanting to know what happened, I will give a quick summary.  My last blog post, I posted about the scare we had with a few bleeding issues that began on Friday the 4th.  I was put on bed rest, and we thought things were going to get better.  Over the weekend I was still bleeding but it wasn't severe.  We checked for a heartbeat every few hours and every time it was amazingly strong.  Early Monday morning, I woke up around 4am having mild contractions, no longer just cramping.  Right away I knew something wasn't right.  We checked for the baby's hearbeat, and there it was...beating strongly at 180bpm as usual.  Little did we know that this would be the last time we would heart that precious heartbeat.

We called the hospital and the dr said contractions can be normal with my condition as the blood really irritates the uterus.  At this point I still wasn't bleeding very much. But he said to call my regular OB and have him put in an ultrasound to do later that day. After hanging up the phone, 2 minutes later the contractions began coming stronger, harder, and faster.  My bleeding increased to very heavy.  I was in full blown labor by 5am.  I was having severe active labor contractions from about 5am-6:30am.   The contractions stopped around 6:30 and I knew it wasn't a good thing.  We checked for the heartbeat, but we could not find it. Geoff had to go into work, so I was alone and continued to look for a heartbeat.  Sometime between 5 and 6:30, our sweet baby passed away.  I delivered the baby right around 7:30.  Geoff came right home and I called my Dr to see what he wanted me to do.  They set me up with an appointment for about an hour later.  They said if we wanted to, we could bring the baby with us and they would do testing to see if there was any genetic issues with the baby.

Going to that appointment was hard.  I did some major praying for strength before we even left for the appointment. There were new moms in the waiting room with their new babies.  And of course, photos of babies everywhere.  But I know I needed to go.  I needed to know why this happened.    I am thankful I have an OB doctor who cares and took all of the time we needed to answer our questions.  Between my ultrasounds and a quick glance at the baby, he gave us a preliminary report.  He said that the blood clot they found on Friday, was really small, but it quickly grew, and most likely, completely detached my placenta, and at that point, I went into labor because my body could no longer support the baby.  I love that he was honest and told us he believes our baby was 100% healthy and it wasn't the baby that caused this.  I have been reading a lot on the SCH during pregnancy.  They are fairly common and It seems more often than not, they are harmless and most women go on to have full term babies.  We are praying this was a one time thing.

For those who don't know much about miscarriages, most of them occur because the baby stops growing, or there is some sort of genetic defect and so your body sees that and stops it. This is usually sometime before 12 weeks. That was the case with my other 3 losses.  My first loss was a "missed miscarriage" at around 11 weeks.  The baby never developed properly, but my body just continued thinking I was still pregnant.  We had no idea until we went in for light bleeding.  I miscarried that night.  My 2nd and 3rd miscarriages were both around 6-7 weeks, most likely due to "blighted ovums" which again, the babies never developed properly. But because this baby was alive with a strong heartbeat until I went into labor, my doctor believes it was because of the blood clot.  Knowing that the baby was fine, and would have been fine if it were not for the clot has been the hardest part for me. I know nothing could have been done to stop this from happening, but at the same time, I can't stop reliving the whole thing over and over in my head.  I just can't imagine those who do not have a relationship with Christ...how they can get through something like this?  I know I could never do it without Him.  Without the scripture to comfort me.  Without prayer filling in the darkness and emptiness.  Without his constant reminder of all of the blessings and love.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11    This verse...it has brought me so much comfort....knowing everything is part of His plan for my life.  


Telling the girls, that afternoon when they got home from school, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I prayed so hard for God to give me the right words.  But how do you tell your children, who are so excited about a new baby, that their brother/sister died?  How to you protect their little hearts and help them understand why?  This was the first time they have ever really had to deal with death.  Jordyn was completely devastated. She immediately burst into tears.  I just held her and cried with her.  She has always been one that is so outward with her emotions. She is still having a hard time grasping that the baby is gone and not coming back.  Pretty much everyday, she tells me she is sad that the baby is gone.  Abby on the other hand, is a little bit more like Geoff.  Her emotions stay more inward when she isn't really sure how she feels about something.  It didn't really hit her until later that night at bedtime when she realized she couldn't sleep because she was so sad.

We have not gotten back the full lab results from the baby yet (waiting for the genetic testing that takes a few weeks), and I will be getting some testing done as well.  The tests we have gotten back said that the baby was perfect.  He was measuring the exact correct size and had no health issues. My dr. believes that I might have some sort of blood/clotting disorder that is triggered by pregnancy. There is a chance I could have another subchorionic hematoma if I get pregnant again, so I would be on blood thinners.

Because I suck at being pregnant....

We all know that.  I do not like being pregnant, and being pregnant does not like me.  I never have and never will, mostly because of all the ridiculous complications I have every single time.  This pregnancy is proving to be no better than the others, possibly even worse.

The purpose of this post is to give our family and close friends an update on what is going on.  I will try to explain stuff in the least graphic way possible,  If you think you might not want to read certain things about pregnancy complications, then you need to just stop reading this and go back to playing Angry Birds or pinning random stuff on Pinterest.

This pregnancy started off normal for the first few weeks.  But then right around 7 weeks I started having some spotting off and on.  With my history of losses, of course I right away thought the worst.  As annoying as it was, it was reassuring that through this all I feel miserably sick all day, everyday.  Eventually, right around 9 weeks we were able to find the baby's heartbeat on our home doppler.  It was a beautiful 180bpm.  Then we made it to my first dr appt at around 10 weeks, when we got to see the baby via ultrasound and were reassured that everything was going well.  This whole time, still having spotting off and on.

However, Friday morning (almost 13 weeks), I randomly woke up at 4am with very heavy bleeding.  Much more than I have had before.  Right away I pulled out my home doppler and found the baby's heartbeat, again beating away nice and strong.  Finally when my OB's office opened at 8am I was able to speak with a nurse and after explaining everything from the last few hours, her and my dr agreed I needed to go and get an ultrasound, but my appt was not until 3:30.  Longest.day.ever.    Of course, because it was at the end of the day, I was warned that I would not hear any results until sometime after Monday.  UGH.  The ultrasound looked good from what we saw. Baby was moving like crazy and had an awesome heartbeat as usual.  We assumed nothing serious was going on since they let me leave (my nurse told me if they let me leave without calling my dr, that it's a good sign and probably nothing serious).  We left feeling a little more reassured everything was okay.

That is, until this morning, I started bleeding pretty heavy again, and now having mild to moderate cramping off and on.  The cramping was really starting to worry me.  Finally, I decided to call the "on call OB".  I was expecting him to say "If you are worried, come to the ER, whatever".  But I really lucked out and spoke with a very nice doctor who was willing to explain everything to me and answer every question.  Right away he found my ultrasound and started looking it over and gave me the results right then and there.  He said that the baby looked awesome and healthy.  But, he did find a couple of problems that were causing the bleeding.  First he said I have a Subchorionic Hemorrhage (you can click the link to read exactly what it is) as well as a Partial Placenta Previa.  While waiting around all day for my Ultrasound, I did a lot of research and figured out it was probably one of these two conditions causing the bleeding, but I was a little freaked out when he told me I have both.  Both of these conditions are usually not harmful to the baby at all, and usually both sort of "fix" themselves over time.  I love that he took the time to explain everything to me and told me what will happen over the next few days and what I needed to do.  He told me I need to be on pretty strict bed rest, and that will hopefully help the hematoma to heal and the bleeding to slow down (I have been on partial bed rest for weeks due to the severe nausea and the spotting).

Thankfully, I already had my next appointment scheduled with my regular OB for Tuesday, so I will be seeing him soon and will get more information and answers.  I will also probably have more ultrasounds until they both subside to keep an eye on the bleed and to see if my placenta moves up where it should be.  I am very lucky that this happened on a weekend when Geoff could be home so I could get true bed rest.  Im hoping after two days of only getting up a few times the bleeding will slow down and can go back to partial bed rest on Monday, when I have to get the girls ready and home from school everyday.

The good news, we got to see the baby getting bigger and actually looking like a baby!!!



We will try our best to keep you all up to date on everything, and in the meantime, we always appreciate the prayers!

Hopeful

We were planning on waiting a little bit longer before we announced our big news, but my friend accidentally let the cat out of the bag on Saturday night to people around here and I have been getting some questions. Haha.  It's okay Jen, we still love you!

We are expecting baby #3!

 Due July 2013:)

Most of you know the history of my pregnancies and our babies, as well as the history of our losses, which is why we chose to not tell everyone for a little while, at least until our chances of loss significantly dropped.



On Friday the 14th we had our first OB appointment where we found out everything was going as it should be.  We got to see our precious baby via ultrasound (it was the kind the DR just wheels in, so it was not great quality) and we saw her/him moving around like crazy and a beautiful strong heartbeat.  Obviously we are not out of the woods yet (you never really are) but the chances of this baby staying get better everyday.  We had considered possibly announcing our news this day....but after Friday's horrible tragedy, we knew it wasn't the right time.

Things are going as expected so far.  For me, being miserable is a good sign....which is what I am currently experiencing.  With the girls I had pretty much every negative symptom and side effect of pregnancy possible.  (With all of my miscarriages, had very little pregnancy symptoms).  So far, this pregnancy is lining up with my pregnancy with the girls, which includes all day sickness, vomitting, large amounts of stomach acid (what I eat or drink does not make a difference), acid reflux, and extreme tiredness (as well as some other issues that are too embarrassing to mention).  And to top it all off, it is still continuing to get worse by the day, even as I near the end of the first trimester.  As much as it all sucks, it is all a good sign that baby is still there. (And yes, I am on medications for the nausea and the reflux...they help some!)

We have a long road ahead of us still and we are trying to look forward and not back.

And just to be clear...we told VERY FEW people.  Seriously, very few.  If you were not one of the few that knew, please do not take it personally.

Along with not telling people, I have definitely pulled away from most people since our loss in early September, so I have been keeping more to myself. Some of it is on purpose, but most of it is, what I think, my own mind's way of coping. This is totally not like me.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a very social person.  But looking back, I know I did the same thing when we almost lost Jordyn at birth.  I avoided phone calls from family even.  I was too much of an emotional wreck to see or speak to anyone.  If I am not around people, I don't have to worry about talking about things I do not want to talk about at that time, and things can be more on my terms.  There are very few people that I feel comfortable enough to just let everything out.  These people accept me for who I am, and know exactly what I need, when I need it.  I can say whatever I need to say, no matter who stupid, whiny, or selfish it sounds, and I know that I am not being judged and they will still love me and show me compassion just the same.  They know that is not who I am, and it's probably crazy hormones talking. These people know who they are and how much they mean to me.

With that said, I am so blessed with so many people who love and care about me and my family, ...near and far, and we feel blessed to have all of you in our lives.  We appreciate your love and prayers, especially these last few months.

Minot Fall

We are so excited that fall is in full swing up here in Minot.  It looks like we are going to have pretty, but cold fall.  We love fall almost as much as we love Christmas.   We find all sorts of fun stuff to do around here.  For those that say Minot has nothing to offer, you are SO wrong.  People are always asking how we find so much to do...I am not sure exactly how, but we just look for fun things around the area.  But I decided to compile a list of what we have found when it comes to fall. These are just the things that we have found along with a short review for each one.  They all have websites you can check out if you google them. They are all very affordable for fun, family events, most of them costing less than $20 for a family of four.  We enjoy doing all these fun fall festivities when it just starts getting colder out, usually in early October, before it's freezing.  We want it to feel like fall and wear cute fall outfits, but not freeze our butts off.

Stuff to do:

Papa's Pumpkin Patch   Bismarck, ND

Max Corn Maze  Just south of Minot, ND

Berry Acres Farm  Minot, ND

Angelic Gardens  Minot, ND

Papas Pumpkin Patch.  Even though this is a 2 hour drive, we have gone a couple of the years we have been here.  It's a huge pumpkin patch with lots to do for kids of all ages.  It's really pretty and has lots of good photo ops!  Weekdays are quiet, but there isn't as many things to do there.  Weekends are crazy busy but they have the most activities and stuff to do going.  We probably won't make the trip out of this again.

Max Corn Maze.  We have only been to this once because we just found out about it last year.  It only takes a few minutes to get to from town.  It's pretty basic....there is only a corn maize, but it takes at least an hour to get through with kids.  The girls have fun getting lost in there and we pretty much let them decide where to go until everyone starts getting tired and then we help.  When we went they had a small concession stand, some hay bales to play on, and a little barrel train for younger kids.  It's a fundraiser for the FFA so the money goes to help support that program.  Planning on going here again this year.

Berry Acres Farm.  We have only been here once as well, a few years ago when the base chapel had a family day here.  Last year it flooded pretty bad, and this year they opened back up.  It has a cute little store that sells produce and homemade goods such as breads, treats, and jams.  Outside they have lots of pumpkins and a smallish corn maize.  It's good for something close by.  Probably going to check it out again now that it's open.

Angelic Gardens.  We found this place last year.  We organized a "family night" where we got a few other close families together and all went together.  They have a nice garden area, and a pumpkin patch where you can actually go pick the pumpkins.  Their prices are amazing on pumpkins too.  You can do a group reservation and do a hayride around the farm areas and then come back to a bonfire with hot drinks and treats.  We loved it because we were the only ones there, because it's pretty much by reservation only unless you are just picking veggies.  The kids could run and have fun with no worry of getting lost (it's not huge so you can see everything).  We are doing this again this year.

On top of all of this stuff, there is lots going on when it comes to Halloween too:

Base Trick or treating night

Trick or treating at the base clinic

(perfect for all ages, inside and warm!)

Downtown Pumpkin Walk

(For preschool and younger, it's during school hours. Downtown businesses hand out candy inside their 

stores. Jordyn loved this the last few years)

The pain and the joy

ugh...I do not even know where to begin.  This post has been a long time coming, and it has changed a few times along the way before I finally decided to actually publish it. It started out as something completely different than it is now.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  This is pretty big, and not many people know about any of this.  Just family and very CLOSE friends.  I am sorry if you didn't know, but we chose to keep this information private for many reasons, because it is very personal, and well, it's our choice :) 

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it physically hurts?  Like EVERYWHERE?  Your heart mostly, but also your actual body as well.  That is what I felt for the last 5 years.  And the pain has increasingly gotten worse and worse.  I thought eventually it would fade, but no, it continues to worsen.  I feel like a part of me is missing.  Not necessarily that I am incomplete, but that part of me missed something.  I am sure that doesn't make sense to most of you, but that is the only way I know how to describe it. So here goes....

I.WANT.MORE.BABIES.

I know, this isn't a shock to anyone. But it's more real than most people know.

As most of you know we have two BEAUTIFUL miracle babies.  We know how blessed we are to have these girls and we thank God for them every single day.  We had a very long, bumpy journey when it came to bringing both of them home.  8 weeks combined NICU time. I am not going to lie....it SUCKED. BIG TIME.  I would never wish having a NICU baby on anyone.  Because two out of two babies I gave birth to had medical issues at birth, we decided almost instantly after Jordyn was born that we needed to be done. No more babies.  The thought of this broke my heart into a million pieces, as I have always wanted a BIG family.... but my head rationalized it was what needed to be done.  Pretty much right away, I regretted this decision.  And the older the girls got, the more I felt I was missing a part of me.  A mommy part of me that I missed out on.

About 8 months ago  I finally realized the pain of NOT having more babies was far worse than would COULD happen if we did have more.  Geoff knew I always wanted more, and he did too, but one day, I finally told Geoff how I had been feeling, and how this feeling wouldn't go away...I tried.  It just wouldn't.  Within a couple of days we decided to do something about it, started researching and making phone calls and do what needed to be done in order for us to start trying to have at least one more baby. It WAS possible.  I needed to at least try...and if it didn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be.  But I couldn't fathom living the rest of my life with regret and thinking What IF? 

The fear set in.  The fear of all the things that could possibly go wrong.  Before Abbygail, I went through two miscarriages.  The first one, I was almost 11 weeks, and the 2nd one, I was about 6 weeks.  And then we had our perfect Abby.  I had a horrible pregnancy....so sick I had to go into the hospital a few times to get hydrated.  Yes, I am one of those lucky people who has "morning" sickness 24/7 from the beginning until a few days after the baby is born.  Born at 34 weeks and 4lbs, she was this tiny, perfect baby.  She was in the NICU for 6 weeks, 6 LONG weeks for prematurity reasons.  Two years later, our precious Jordyn joined our family at almost 2 weeks past my due date.  She got stuck in my birth canal and was taken emergency c-section.  She was born not breathing and full life saving measures were used to bring her back.  She was born with an APGAR score of 1.  If you know anything about the APGAR scoring, you know that is BAD.  It was probably the most terrifying moment in my life, hearing them working on her, trying to bring her back to life. She suffered some major brain injuries and all sorts of complications.  The first few days, we didn't even know if she was going to make it, but  she made it home with us after only 2 weeks in the NICU!  So most people understood when we said we were DONE. 

 I felt like I was robbed of both of my babies first few weeks of life, that most people will never understand, so I will try to describe it:

I have never had a baby instantly handed to me after being born

I have never had a baby in my hospital room with me.

I have never been able to nurse my babies within the first 48 hours even.  There were always so.many.tubes.

My phone calls to family after birth were always filled with tears of sadness, not tears of joy like most new moms.  Those phone calls SUCKED, and I made my mom and Geoff do most of them.

When visitors came to see me in the hospital, they always walked on eggshells...not there to sit and hold a brand new baby, but to sit and pray with me that I would bring my babies home.

I had to ask to hold MY own babies.

I didn't get to hold Jordyn til she was 4 days old.

I had to "scrub in" every time I wanted to even go look at my babies.

I had to feed my babies when I was told...no more, no less.

I had to see my babies with a million wires and tubes coming out of them everyday.

I had to tell my very excited two year old that her baby sister was very sick and wasn't coming home with us.

Telling her that was one of THE hardest things I have EVER had to do.

I had to leave my babies every night.

I had to be alone as soon as both girls came home, because Geoff had to use all of his leave and then some when they were in the NICU.  He had to go back to work right away.  My mom's plane tickets expired before either of them came home, and had to leave while they were both still in the NICU.

And on top of all of this, I have such tainted views of pregnancy and the horrible things that can happen at any given moment.  Living in fear that I could lose the baby every single day.  That fear ruins almost any of the joy.

But even the worst of times can be forgotten when there is so much joy from what came of it.  That pain gets put on a back burner and seems so minuscule when you take a step back and look at what is really important.  Our girls are worth every second and more of the pain we had to go through to have them in our lives.  I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.

In April we took a big step in order to start trying again....Geoff had his vasectomy reversed (This is probably TMI for some of you, but oh well, I figure you care enough to still be reading this at this point).  The surgery went very well....and....

Well somehow, we managed to get pregnant in only 3 months!  3 months!!!!  The average time for couples in our situation is 12 months or more, so we were completely shocked.  To me, 3 months seemed like forever as it was longer than the other 4 times we were trying.  It seemed too good to be true.  Right around this time we found out we got orders to Colorado Springs for next summer, our first choice of assignments.  There was just so much awesomness going on. But that fear.  The fear of knowing how easily something could go wrong.  It makes it so I can't even enjoy being pregnant, at all for the most part. I so wish it wasn't there.  But it is, and it always will be.  I would give anything to not have it. To not know all that I know.

When most people find out they are expecting, they are over joyed with the thought of bringing home a baby in 9 months.  They broadcast to the world their good news.  But with me, that isn't the case.  I know that there is a chance I WONT be bringing a baby home in 9 months, or at all.  It hurts, and I hate it.  It makes it hard to be excited, because I feel like as soon as I get excited, something will go wrong.  We were completely thrilled that we were expecting, and prayed that everything would go smoothly this time.

A couple weeks later, things came crashing down. We found out we lost the baby at almost 7 weeks after a trip to the ER.  We thought this time would be different.  I was having lots of pregnancy symptoms which we took as a good sign. We figured we had two healthy pregnancies since my two miscarriages, and that we were going to be okay.  We had hope  But God has a different plan for that baby.  He or she is in heaven with his or her two siblings experiencing joy that we can't even imagine.  And I can't wait for the day that I finally get to meet them.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The emotional and physical pain of a miscarriage  SUCKS.  And, it doesn't get easier each time.  If anything it gets harder, because you start to a little lose hope each time.  You start to wonder how many more times is this going to happen before I get the joy? I hate admitting to that.  I think this time might have been the most emotionally painful one for me.  Not exactly sure why.  There are no words that can take that pain away.  We know it happened for a reason.  We know this wasn't the right time.  We know all of the stuff that people trying to help tell us.  It doesn't help, and it doesn't make the pain less.  That is the main reason I chose to not talk about this with anyone.  People have good intentions, but don't realize it's not helping in any way.

It brings so many questions of WHY?  Why did this happen to me again?  Why am I the ONLY one in my family to not only go through miscarriage, but also a premature baby, NICUs, emergency c-sections, babies needing emergency living saving treatments,  and traumatic births?  Everyone else in my family (and most of my close friends even) have never had to deal with any of those things...so why have I had to go through ALL of them? WHY? I will never know the answer to this, so I have to just trust that God has a bigger plan than what I can see.  There is a reason why we have been through all of this, we just don't know why, except that so far, he has given us two precious gifts on this earth, and now 3 in heaven.  If dealing with this pain is what I have to do to bring us another amazing child to our family, then that is what I will do.  I pray for trust.  I NEED to trust in HIM if this is ever going to happen.  I need more trust and hope that he has this amazing plan for our family. 

We do not know exactly what lies ahead.  We pray that it is in God's will for us to bring another miracle into this world....maybe this time a healthy one that comes home with us right away!

The fact that we DID get pregnant gives us so much hope.  So much.  We know now that it is possible, and we might be blessed with another baby (or babies).  And what we have right now, these two amazing girls, is more than enough.  Geoff is the most amazing husband I could ask for, and my girls....they bring me more joy than I ever thought possible on this earth.  I am so incredibly blessed.  

Please know, I did not write this because I want people to feel sorry for me.  I don't want that at all. I decided to lay it all out and write this because I NEED prayer....and support.  I need the strength to not give up. We have been through to much to give up.

Like Clay

Like clay in the potter's hands
Mold me, mold me
Like a child in her father's arms
Hold me, hold me
Like a sparrow afraid to fly
Raise me, raise me
This is just between You and I
I love You, I love You 

Let this song be an offering of my love for You
I lay myself down upon Your throne
For whatever You want me to do 

For whatever it takes
And whatever the faith
I trust You
For whatever the cost
And whatever is lost
I love You
I love You, Lord 

Let my life be an example of Your love for me
I give this world just to carry Your cross
And to be what You want me to be 

If we call out Your name
We should see our face
If we sacrifice our lives
We will see that grace 

Back To School 2012

For being a photographer, I am pretty bad sometimes about taking photos of my family and our daily life.  I realize that sometimes I go weeks without touching my camera unless it's for a session.  My family is way more important than my business and I need to remember to capture the everyday stuff that makes us who we are.  So I had the idea to capture "back to school" for almost 24 hours.  Starting with getting ready for bed the night before school started, until after they came home from school.  It was fun, but also kinda stressful remember to make sure I got photos of everything, LOL.  Anyways...taking more photos of our everyday life is something I want to work on more.

Bath time feeties!

reading time

Story time with daddy 

Sleepy Diva 

Love these little chicken legs!

confetti from Abby's teacher. Supposed to help not make them nervous or something?

In bed before 7!

Breakfast

A couple of months ago, I started teaching my little curly haired girl how to do her hair.

My mom wasn't really able to help me in this department...as I get my curly fro from my Dad.

I am hoping Abby understands it's a blessing to have a mom who went through a horrible awkward time in Jr high thanks to my crazy hair.  We are hoping to prevent this with my knowledge!

Love THIS.

Walking to school!

Last year we walked home from school as much as possible with the weather.

This year it will be even better since both girls go to the same school now.

We live about a 15 minute walk from the school.

She is so stinkin tiny still!

Mommy made a special treat for the girls before they got home from school.

They were slightly excited.