Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since we lost our sweet baby boy (yes, you read that right....we were having a boy!  It IS possible for us McDonald women to conceive boys!).  Right now, we are taking things one day at a time.  It's still hard to believe he is gone.  Some days, I still wake up thinking it was all just a horrible dream.    Today I would be 15 weeks and getting ready for our big ultrasound.

13 weeks.  It may not sound like very long to most people, but to me it felt like much longer. Apparently by your 6th pregnancy, you start to feel things much earlier.  In 13 weeks I heard my baby's heartbeat, almost everyday.  I felt little tiny kicks.  I felt the misery of morning sickness, all day.  I had food cravings, and food aversions.  I saw our perfect little baby on an ultrasound, moving, kicking,  and almost fully formed, just needing to grow.  I had so many ups and downs during those 13 weeks.  Every symptom giving me hope. And then something would make me take a step back and know we are never in the clear. In 13 weeks I had hope that I might actually get to hold this baby come July.  But still, knowing all of the things that can go wrong, I knew the chances of probably not bringing this baby home with us someday.  I will probably never know what God's plan was for him.  But it's there and it's bigger than I can even imagine.  God gives and God takes away.  But even knowing all of that, does not make me miss our baby any less. It doesn't make the idea of trying for another baby scary as crap. I would give anything to have an innocent view on pregnancy.  To fall pregnant and to instantly think everything is going to be okay and I WILL have this baby.  I envy those who have that.  That is long gone. That disappeared almost 10 years ago with our first loss.


I have not been very public about it, but for those wanting to know what happened, I will give a quick summary.  My last blog post, I posted about the scare we had with a few bleeding issues that began on Friday the 4th.  I was put on bed rest, and we thought things were going to get better.  Over the weekend I was still bleeding but it wasn't severe.  We checked for a heartbeat every few hours and every time it was amazingly strong.  Early Monday morning, I woke up around 4am having mild contractions, no longer just cramping.  Right away I knew something wasn't right.  We checked for the baby's hearbeat, and there it was...beating strongly at 180bpm as usual.  Little did we know that this would be the last time we would heart that precious heartbeat.

We called the hospital and the dr said contractions can be normal with my condition as the blood really irritates the uterus.  At this point I still wasn't bleeding very much. But he said to call my regular OB and have him put in an ultrasound to do later that day. After hanging up the phone, 2 minutes later the contractions began coming stronger, harder, and faster.  My bleeding increased to very heavy.  I was in full blown labor by 5am.  I was having severe active labor contractions from about 5am-6:30am.   The contractions stopped around 6:30 and I knew it wasn't a good thing.  We checked for the heartbeat, but we could not find it. Geoff had to go into work, so I was alone and continued to look for a heartbeat.  Sometime between 5 and 6:30, our sweet baby passed away.  I delivered the baby right around 7:30.  Geoff came right home and I called my Dr to see what he wanted me to do.  They set me up with an appointment for about an hour later.  They said if we wanted to, we could bring the baby with us and they would do testing to see if there was any genetic issues with the baby.

Going to that appointment was hard.  I did some major praying for strength before we even left for the appointment. There were new moms in the waiting room with their new babies.  And of course, photos of babies everywhere.  But I know I needed to go.  I needed to know why this happened.    I am thankful I have an OB doctor who cares and took all of the time we needed to answer our questions.  Between my ultrasounds and a quick glance at the baby, he gave us a preliminary report.  He said that the blood clot they found on Friday, was really small, but it quickly grew, and most likely, completely detached my placenta, and at that point, I went into labor because my body could no longer support the baby.  I love that he was honest and told us he believes our baby was 100% healthy and it wasn't the baby that caused this.  I have been reading a lot on the SCH during pregnancy.  They are fairly common and It seems more often than not, they are harmless and most women go on to have full term babies.  We are praying this was a one time thing.

For those who don't know much about miscarriages, most of them occur because the baby stops growing, or there is some sort of genetic defect and so your body sees that and stops it. This is usually sometime before 12 weeks. That was the case with my other 3 losses.  My first loss was a "missed miscarriage" at around 11 weeks.  The baby never developed properly, but my body just continued thinking I was still pregnant.  We had no idea until we went in for light bleeding.  I miscarried that night.  My 2nd and 3rd miscarriages were both around 6-7 weeks, most likely due to "blighted ovums" which again, the babies never developed properly. But because this baby was alive with a strong heartbeat until I went into labor, my doctor believes it was because of the blood clot.  Knowing that the baby was fine, and would have been fine if it were not for the clot has been the hardest part for me. I know nothing could have been done to stop this from happening, but at the same time, I can't stop reliving the whole thing over and over in my head.  I just can't imagine those who do not have a relationship with Christ...how they can get through something like this?  I know I could never do it without Him.  Without the scripture to comfort me.  Without prayer filling in the darkness and emptiness.  Without his constant reminder of all of the blessings and love.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11    This verse...it has brought me so much comfort....knowing everything is part of His plan for my life.  


Telling the girls, that afternoon when they got home from school, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.  I prayed so hard for God to give me the right words.  But how do you tell your children, who are so excited about a new baby, that their brother/sister died?  How to you protect their little hearts and help them understand why?  This was the first time they have ever really had to deal with death.  Jordyn was completely devastated. She immediately burst into tears.  I just held her and cried with her.  She has always been one that is so outward with her emotions. She is still having a hard time grasping that the baby is gone and not coming back.  Pretty much everyday, she tells me she is sad that the baby is gone.  Abby on the other hand, is a little bit more like Geoff.  Her emotions stay more inward when she isn't really sure how she feels about something.  It didn't really hit her until later that night at bedtime when she realized she couldn't sleep because she was so sad.

We have not gotten back the full lab results from the baby yet (waiting for the genetic testing that takes a few weeks), and I will be getting some testing done as well.  The tests we have gotten back said that the baby was perfect.  He was measuring the exact correct size and had no health issues. My dr. believes that I might have some sort of blood/clotting disorder that is triggered by pregnancy. There is a chance I could have another subchorionic hematoma if I get pregnant again, so I would be on blood thinners.

Because I suck at being pregnant....

We all know that.  I do not like being pregnant, and being pregnant does not like me.  I never have and never will, mostly because of all the ridiculous complications I have every single time.  This pregnancy is proving to be no better than the others, possibly even worse.

The purpose of this post is to give our family and close friends an update on what is going on.  I will try to explain stuff in the least graphic way possible,  If you think you might not want to read certain things about pregnancy complications, then you need to just stop reading this and go back to playing Angry Birds or pinning random stuff on Pinterest.

This pregnancy started off normal for the first few weeks.  But then right around 7 weeks I started having some spotting off and on.  With my history of losses, of course I right away thought the worst.  As annoying as it was, it was reassuring that through this all I feel miserably sick all day, everyday.  Eventually, right around 9 weeks we were able to find the baby's heartbeat on our home doppler.  It was a beautiful 180bpm.  Then we made it to my first dr appt at around 10 weeks, when we got to see the baby via ultrasound and were reassured that everything was going well.  This whole time, still having spotting off and on.

However, Friday morning (almost 13 weeks), I randomly woke up at 4am with very heavy bleeding.  Much more than I have had before.  Right away I pulled out my home doppler and found the baby's heartbeat, again beating away nice and strong.  Finally when my OB's office opened at 8am I was able to speak with a nurse and after explaining everything from the last few hours, her and my dr agreed I needed to go and get an ultrasound, but my appt was not until 3:30.  Longest.day.ever.    Of course, because it was at the end of the day, I was warned that I would not hear any results until sometime after Monday.  UGH.  The ultrasound looked good from what we saw. Baby was moving like crazy and had an awesome heartbeat as usual.  We assumed nothing serious was going on since they let me leave (my nurse told me if they let me leave without calling my dr, that it's a good sign and probably nothing serious).  We left feeling a little more reassured everything was okay.

That is, until this morning, I started bleeding pretty heavy again, and now having mild to moderate cramping off and on.  The cramping was really starting to worry me.  Finally, I decided to call the "on call OB".  I was expecting him to say "If you are worried, come to the ER, whatever".  But I really lucked out and spoke with a very nice doctor who was willing to explain everything to me and answer every question.  Right away he found my ultrasound and started looking it over and gave me the results right then and there.  He said that the baby looked awesome and healthy.  But, he did find a couple of problems that were causing the bleeding.  First he said I have a Subchorionic Hemorrhage (you can click the link to read exactly what it is) as well as a Partial Placenta Previa.  While waiting around all day for my Ultrasound, I did a lot of research and figured out it was probably one of these two conditions causing the bleeding, but I was a little freaked out when he told me I have both.  Both of these conditions are usually not harmful to the baby at all, and usually both sort of "fix" themselves over time.  I love that he took the time to explain everything to me and told me what will happen over the next few days and what I needed to do.  He told me I need to be on pretty strict bed rest, and that will hopefully help the hematoma to heal and the bleeding to slow down (I have been on partial bed rest for weeks due to the severe nausea and the spotting).

Thankfully, I already had my next appointment scheduled with my regular OB for Tuesday, so I will be seeing him soon and will get more information and answers.  I will also probably have more ultrasounds until they both subside to keep an eye on the bleed and to see if my placenta moves up where it should be.  I am very lucky that this happened on a weekend when Geoff could be home so I could get true bed rest.  Im hoping after two days of only getting up a few times the bleeding will slow down and can go back to partial bed rest on Monday, when I have to get the girls ready and home from school everyday.

The good news, we got to see the baby getting bigger and actually looking like a baby!!!



We will try our best to keep you all up to date on everything, and in the meantime, we always appreciate the prayers!

Hopeful

We were planning on waiting a little bit longer before we announced our big news, but my friend accidentally let the cat out of the bag on Saturday night to people around here and I have been getting some questions. Haha.  It's okay Jen, we still love you!

We are expecting baby #3!

 Due July 2013:)

Most of you know the history of my pregnancies and our babies, as well as the history of our losses, which is why we chose to not tell everyone for a little while, at least until our chances of loss significantly dropped.



On Friday the 14th we had our first OB appointment where we found out everything was going as it should be.  We got to see our precious baby via ultrasound (it was the kind the DR just wheels in, so it was not great quality) and we saw her/him moving around like crazy and a beautiful strong heartbeat.  Obviously we are not out of the woods yet (you never really are) but the chances of this baby staying get better everyday.  We had considered possibly announcing our news this day....but after Friday's horrible tragedy, we knew it wasn't the right time.

Things are going as expected so far.  For me, being miserable is a good sign....which is what I am currently experiencing.  With the girls I had pretty much every negative symptom and side effect of pregnancy possible.  (With all of my miscarriages, had very little pregnancy symptoms).  So far, this pregnancy is lining up with my pregnancy with the girls, which includes all day sickness, vomitting, large amounts of stomach acid (what I eat or drink does not make a difference), acid reflux, and extreme tiredness (as well as some other issues that are too embarrassing to mention).  And to top it all off, it is still continuing to get worse by the day, even as I near the end of the first trimester.  As much as it all sucks, it is all a good sign that baby is still there. (And yes, I am on medications for the nausea and the reflux...they help some!)

We have a long road ahead of us still and we are trying to look forward and not back.

And just to be clear...we told VERY FEW people.  Seriously, very few.  If you were not one of the few that knew, please do not take it personally.

Along with not telling people, I have definitely pulled away from most people since our loss in early September, so I have been keeping more to myself. Some of it is on purpose, but most of it is, what I think, my own mind's way of coping. This is totally not like me.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a very social person.  But looking back, I know I did the same thing when we almost lost Jordyn at birth.  I avoided phone calls from family even.  I was too much of an emotional wreck to see or speak to anyone.  If I am not around people, I don't have to worry about talking about things I do not want to talk about at that time, and things can be more on my terms.  There are very few people that I feel comfortable enough to just let everything out.  These people accept me for who I am, and know exactly what I need, when I need it.  I can say whatever I need to say, no matter who stupid, whiny, or selfish it sounds, and I know that I am not being judged and they will still love me and show me compassion just the same.  They know that is not who I am, and it's probably crazy hormones talking. These people know who they are and how much they mean to me.

With that said, I am so blessed with so many people who love and care about me and my family, ...near and far, and we feel blessed to have all of you in our lives.  We appreciate your love and prayers, especially these last few months.

Minot Fall

We are so excited that fall is in full swing up here in Minot.  It looks like we are going to have pretty, but cold fall.  We love fall almost as much as we love Christmas.   We find all sorts of fun stuff to do around here.  For those that say Minot has nothing to offer, you are SO wrong.  People are always asking how we find so much to do...I am not sure exactly how, but we just look for fun things around the area.  But I decided to compile a list of what we have found when it comes to fall. These are just the things that we have found along with a short review for each one.  They all have websites you can check out if you google them. They are all very affordable for fun, family events, most of them costing less than $20 for a family of four.  We enjoy doing all these fun fall festivities when it just starts getting colder out, usually in early October, before it's freezing.  We want it to feel like fall and wear cute fall outfits, but not freeze our butts off.

Stuff to do:

Papa's Pumpkin Patch   Bismarck, ND

Max Corn Maze  Just south of Minot, ND

Berry Acres Farm  Minot, ND

Angelic Gardens  Minot, ND

Papas Pumpkin Patch.  Even though this is a 2 hour drive, we have gone a couple of the years we have been here.  It's a huge pumpkin patch with lots to do for kids of all ages.  It's really pretty and has lots of good photo ops!  Weekdays are quiet, but there isn't as many things to do there.  Weekends are crazy busy but they have the most activities and stuff to do going.  We probably won't make the trip out of this again.

Max Corn Maze.  We have only been to this once because we just found out about it last year.  It only takes a few minutes to get to from town.  It's pretty basic....there is only a corn maize, but it takes at least an hour to get through with kids.  The girls have fun getting lost in there and we pretty much let them decide where to go until everyone starts getting tired and then we help.  When we went they had a small concession stand, some hay bales to play on, and a little barrel train for younger kids.  It's a fundraiser for the FFA so the money goes to help support that program.  Planning on going here again this year.

Berry Acres Farm.  We have only been here once as well, a few years ago when the base chapel had a family day here.  Last year it flooded pretty bad, and this year they opened back up.  It has a cute little store that sells produce and homemade goods such as breads, treats, and jams.  Outside they have lots of pumpkins and a smallish corn maize.  It's good for something close by.  Probably going to check it out again now that it's open.

Angelic Gardens.  We found this place last year.  We organized a "family night" where we got a few other close families together and all went together.  They have a nice garden area, and a pumpkin patch where you can actually go pick the pumpkins.  Their prices are amazing on pumpkins too.  You can do a group reservation and do a hayride around the farm areas and then come back to a bonfire with hot drinks and treats.  We loved it because we were the only ones there, because it's pretty much by reservation only unless you are just picking veggies.  The kids could run and have fun with no worry of getting lost (it's not huge so you can see everything).  We are doing this again this year.

On top of all of this stuff, there is lots going on when it comes to Halloween too:

Base Trick or treating night

Trick or treating at the base clinic

(perfect for all ages, inside and warm!)

Downtown Pumpkin Walk

(For preschool and younger, it's during school hours. Downtown businesses hand out candy inside their 

stores. Jordyn loved this the last few years)

The pain and the joy

ugh...I do not even know where to begin.  This post has been a long time coming, and it has changed a few times along the way before I finally decided to actually publish it. It started out as something completely different than it is now.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  This is pretty big, and not many people know about any of this.  Just family and very CLOSE friends.  I am sorry if you didn't know, but we chose to keep this information private for many reasons, because it is very personal, and well, it's our choice :) 

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it physically hurts?  Like EVERYWHERE?  Your heart mostly, but also your actual body as well.  That is what I felt for the last 5 years.  And the pain has increasingly gotten worse and worse.  I thought eventually it would fade, but no, it continues to worsen.  I feel like a part of me is missing.  Not necessarily that I am incomplete, but that part of me missed something.  I am sure that doesn't make sense to most of you, but that is the only way I know how to describe it. So here goes....

I.WANT.MORE.BABIES.

I know, this isn't a shock to anyone. But it's more real than most people know.

As most of you know we have two BEAUTIFUL miracle babies.  We know how blessed we are to have these girls and we thank God for them every single day.  We had a very long, bumpy journey when it came to bringing both of them home.  8 weeks combined NICU time. I am not going to lie....it SUCKED. BIG TIME.  I would never wish having a NICU baby on anyone.  Because two out of two babies I gave birth to had medical issues at birth, we decided almost instantly after Jordyn was born that we needed to be done. No more babies.  The thought of this broke my heart into a million pieces, as I have always wanted a BIG family.... but my head rationalized it was what needed to be done.  Pretty much right away, I regretted this decision.  And the older the girls got, the more I felt I was missing a part of me.  A mommy part of me that I missed out on.

About 8 months ago  I finally realized the pain of NOT having more babies was far worse than would COULD happen if we did have more.  Geoff knew I always wanted more, and he did too, but one day, I finally told Geoff how I had been feeling, and how this feeling wouldn't go away...I tried.  It just wouldn't.  Within a couple of days we decided to do something about it, started researching and making phone calls and do what needed to be done in order for us to start trying to have at least one more baby. It WAS possible.  I needed to at least try...and if it didn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be.  But I couldn't fathom living the rest of my life with regret and thinking What IF? 

The fear set in.  The fear of all the things that could possibly go wrong.  Before Abbygail, I went through two miscarriages.  The first one, I was almost 11 weeks, and the 2nd one, I was about 6 weeks.  And then we had our perfect Abby.  I had a horrible pregnancy....so sick I had to go into the hospital a few times to get hydrated.  Yes, I am one of those lucky people who has "morning" sickness 24/7 from the beginning until a few days after the baby is born.  Born at 34 weeks and 4lbs, she was this tiny, perfect baby.  She was in the NICU for 6 weeks, 6 LONG weeks for prematurity reasons.  Two years later, our precious Jordyn joined our family at almost 2 weeks past my due date.  She got stuck in my birth canal and was taken emergency c-section.  She was born not breathing and full life saving measures were used to bring her back.  She was born with an APGAR score of 1.  If you know anything about the APGAR scoring, you know that is BAD.  It was probably the most terrifying moment in my life, hearing them working on her, trying to bring her back to life. She suffered some major brain injuries and all sorts of complications.  The first few days, we didn't even know if she was going to make it, but  she made it home with us after only 2 weeks in the NICU!  So most people understood when we said we were DONE. 

 I felt like I was robbed of both of my babies first few weeks of life, that most people will never understand, so I will try to describe it:

I have never had a baby instantly handed to me after being born

I have never had a baby in my hospital room with me.

I have never been able to nurse my babies within the first 48 hours even.  There were always so.many.tubes.

My phone calls to family after birth were always filled with tears of sadness, not tears of joy like most new moms.  Those phone calls SUCKED, and I made my mom and Geoff do most of them.

When visitors came to see me in the hospital, they always walked on eggshells...not there to sit and hold a brand new baby, but to sit and pray with me that I would bring my babies home.

I had to ask to hold MY own babies.

I didn't get to hold Jordyn til she was 4 days old.

I had to "scrub in" every time I wanted to even go look at my babies.

I had to feed my babies when I was told...no more, no less.

I had to see my babies with a million wires and tubes coming out of them everyday.

I had to tell my very excited two year old that her baby sister was very sick and wasn't coming home with us.

Telling her that was one of THE hardest things I have EVER had to do.

I had to leave my babies every night.

I had to be alone as soon as both girls came home, because Geoff had to use all of his leave and then some when they were in the NICU.  He had to go back to work right away.  My mom's plane tickets expired before either of them came home, and had to leave while they were both still in the NICU.

And on top of all of this, I have such tainted views of pregnancy and the horrible things that can happen at any given moment.  Living in fear that I could lose the baby every single day.  That fear ruins almost any of the joy.

But even the worst of times can be forgotten when there is so much joy from what came of it.  That pain gets put on a back burner and seems so minuscule when you take a step back and look at what is really important.  Our girls are worth every second and more of the pain we had to go through to have them in our lives.  I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.

In April we took a big step in order to start trying again....Geoff had his vasectomy reversed (This is probably TMI for some of you, but oh well, I figure you care enough to still be reading this at this point).  The surgery went very well....and....

Well somehow, we managed to get pregnant in only 3 months!  3 months!!!!  The average time for couples in our situation is 12 months or more, so we were completely shocked.  To me, 3 months seemed like forever as it was longer than the other 4 times we were trying.  It seemed too good to be true.  Right around this time we found out we got orders to Colorado Springs for next summer, our first choice of assignments.  There was just so much awesomness going on. But that fear.  The fear of knowing how easily something could go wrong.  It makes it so I can't even enjoy being pregnant, at all for the most part. I so wish it wasn't there.  But it is, and it always will be.  I would give anything to not have it. To not know all that I know.

When most people find out they are expecting, they are over joyed with the thought of bringing home a baby in 9 months.  They broadcast to the world their good news.  But with me, that isn't the case.  I know that there is a chance I WONT be bringing a baby home in 9 months, or at all.  It hurts, and I hate it.  It makes it hard to be excited, because I feel like as soon as I get excited, something will go wrong.  We were completely thrilled that we were expecting, and prayed that everything would go smoothly this time.

A couple weeks later, things came crashing down. We found out we lost the baby at almost 7 weeks after a trip to the ER.  We thought this time would be different.  I was having lots of pregnancy symptoms which we took as a good sign. We figured we had two healthy pregnancies since my two miscarriages, and that we were going to be okay.  We had hope  But God has a different plan for that baby.  He or she is in heaven with his or her two siblings experiencing joy that we can't even imagine.  And I can't wait for the day that I finally get to meet them.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The emotional and physical pain of a miscarriage  SUCKS.  And, it doesn't get easier each time.  If anything it gets harder, because you start to a little lose hope each time.  You start to wonder how many more times is this going to happen before I get the joy? I hate admitting to that.  I think this time might have been the most emotionally painful one for me.  Not exactly sure why.  There are no words that can take that pain away.  We know it happened for a reason.  We know this wasn't the right time.  We know all of the stuff that people trying to help tell us.  It doesn't help, and it doesn't make the pain less.  That is the main reason I chose to not talk about this with anyone.  People have good intentions, but don't realize it's not helping in any way.

It brings so many questions of WHY?  Why did this happen to me again?  Why am I the ONLY one in my family to not only go through miscarriage, but also a premature baby, NICUs, emergency c-sections, babies needing emergency living saving treatments,  and traumatic births?  Everyone else in my family (and most of my close friends even) have never had to deal with any of those things...so why have I had to go through ALL of them? WHY? I will never know the answer to this, so I have to just trust that God has a bigger plan than what I can see.  There is a reason why we have been through all of this, we just don't know why, except that so far, he has given us two precious gifts on this earth, and now 3 in heaven.  If dealing with this pain is what I have to do to bring us another amazing child to our family, then that is what I will do.  I pray for trust.  I NEED to trust in HIM if this is ever going to happen.  I need more trust and hope that he has this amazing plan for our family. 

We do not know exactly what lies ahead.  We pray that it is in God's will for us to bring another miracle into this world....maybe this time a healthy one that comes home with us right away!

The fact that we DID get pregnant gives us so much hope.  So much.  We know now that it is possible, and we might be blessed with another baby (or babies).  And what we have right now, these two amazing girls, is more than enough.  Geoff is the most amazing husband I could ask for, and my girls....they bring me more joy than I ever thought possible on this earth.  I am so incredibly blessed.  

Please know, I did not write this because I want people to feel sorry for me.  I don't want that at all. I decided to lay it all out and write this because I NEED prayer....and support.  I need the strength to not give up. We have been through to much to give up.

Like Clay

Like clay in the potter's hands
Mold me, mold me
Like a child in her father's arms
Hold me, hold me
Like a sparrow afraid to fly
Raise me, raise me
This is just between You and I
I love You, I love You 

Let this song be an offering of my love for You
I lay myself down upon Your throne
For whatever You want me to do 

For whatever it takes
And whatever the faith
I trust You
For whatever the cost
And whatever is lost
I love You
I love You, Lord 

Let my life be an example of Your love for me
I give this world just to carry Your cross
And to be what You want me to be 

If we call out Your name
We should see our face
If we sacrifice our lives
We will see that grace